The Daily Dump

On Bullshit

2005-12-07T16:44:00.000-05:00

This book is on The Daily Dump's Christmas wishlist. It sounds like an excellent read.

On Bullshit
FROM THE PUBLISHER
One of the most salient features of our culture is that there is so much bullshit. Everyone knows this. Each of us contributes his share. But we tend to take the situation for granted. Most people are rather confident of their ability to recognize bullshit and to avoid being taken in by it. So the phenomenon has not aroused much deliberate concern. We have no clear understanding of what bullshit is, why there is so much of it, or what functions it serves. And we lack a conscientiously developed appreciation of what it means to us. In other words, as Harry Frankfurt writes, "we have no theory."
Frankfurt, one of the world's most influential moral philosophers, attempts to build such a theory here. With his characteristic combination of philosophical acuity, psychological insight, and wry humor, Frankfurt proceeds by exploring how bullshit and the related concept of humbug are distinct from lying. He argues that bullshitters misrepresent themselves to their audience not as liars do, that is, by deliberately making false claims about what is true. In fact, bullshit need not be untrue at all.
Rather, bullshitters seek to convey a certain impression of themselves without being concerned about whether anything at all is true. They quietly change the rules governing their end of the conversation so that claims about truth and falsity are irrelevant. Frankfurt concludes that although bullshit can take many innocent forms, excessive indulgence in it can eventually undermine the practitioner's capacity to tell the truth in a way that lying does not. Liars at least acknowledge that it matters what is true. By virtue of this, Frankfurt writes, bullshit is a greater enemy of the truth thanlies are.

Shit Story of the Week

2005-11-28T21:57:00.000-05:00

The following is taken from a phone call that was intercepted...err, accidently overheard...today by one of our staff members.

Jake: I shit myself today!

Tish: What??! (mad laughter)

Jake: I was feeling a bit uncomfortable. The room was empty, so I figured I'd take advantage of the moment. I mean, what better time to pass a casual fart? So I let 'er rip! It sounded like an AK-47 firing off about 600 rounds. I was proud of myself - until I noticed that the bed was soaked! Damn hospital liquid diet!!

Tish: (more mad laughter)

Bedside Interview with Jake Sharp

2005-11-28T15:48:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we caught up with Jake Sharp, who is currently confined to a hospital bed at Fort Sanders Regional Hospital in Knoxville, Tennessee.

Daily Dump: Early this morning, the Associated Press reported that you had spoken out about this hospital's "fixation with constipation." What brought this about?

Jake: I had been deathly ill for several days on Thanksgiving when my sister Tish, who just happens to be your boss, took me to the ER here at Fort Sanders Regional. I was given intravenous fluids for severe dehydration, and a long list of medical tests were ordered. A couple of hours later, the doctor came into see me. Apparently my abdominal CT scan showed nothing out of the ordinary - except for "serious constipation". I hadn't eaten in a week. How the hell could I be constipated?

Daily Dump: I see. So, the hospital staff subjected you to uncomfortable and expensive procedures only to give you a diagnosis of constipation?

Jake: Yes. I had many other symptoms, of course, but those went to the wayside. From that point forward, the ER staff focused on my apparent constipation. All this hullabaloo just because I was toting a load!

Daily Dump: Tell us more about this alleged focus on your bowel movements, or lack thereof.

Jake: Well, when the doctor informed me of my condition, I told her that I hadn't eaten in a week, and that I had dropped a litter of kittens a few days earlier. But that wasn't the end. She then informed me that she was prescribing a stool softener to go along with the buffet of other pills that I'd be taking to combat the other symptoms. She explained that there was a "massive amount" of waste in my colon.

Daily Dump: What did your sister have to say about this?

Jake: I have no idea. She couldn't stop laughing long enough to give me her opinion.

Daily Dump: Such a shame. Moving on - what was prescribed for your constipation, and did you fill it?

Jake: Colace was prescribed. And no, I didn't fill it. I didn't have to. The barium I drank for the CT scan did a number on me - #2 if you will. When I got home, I had the worst case of diarrhea known to mankind. I expect it to make headlines in the medical journals next month.

Daily Dump: Obviously there were further complications. You were admitted to the hospital on Saturday.

Jake: Yes. I still couldn't hold down any food or drink. I was severely dehydrated again, and my throat felt like sandpaper. When I visited the ER again on Saturday, I was admitted to the hospital.

Daily Dump: It's now Monday. Do you have any news?

Jake: Yes. Yesterday morning an Internal Medicine doctor came in and took an assessment of my symptoms. And then she told me that she had reviewed my CT scan from Thursday and that something must be done for my severe case of constipation. She said she'd order an enema. I immediately protested, explaining that I'd had the runs for two days after drinking all that barium.

Daily Dump: What happened next?

Jake: She told me that sometimes you can get backed up. Just because I'd had the runs for two days didn't mean jack shit. No pun intended.

Daily Dump: None taken.

Jake: Now I'm here living on a hospital liquid diet, and the nurses are coming in every hour on the hour to get an update on my bowel movements. I think I'm going to have to learn to shit rabbit turds just to be able to provide for all the requested stool samples!

Daily Dump: One more question. How did the AP get this story before we were notified? After all, your sister is the Editor of the Dump!

Jake: Well, I have my suspicions. The door was open during one of the "constipation conversations" with the doctor. I'm sure that Tish's laughter attracted a bit of attention to the room. I knew that old man next door sounded familiar to me, but I hadn't been able to place his voice - at least not until after the AP picked up the story! He's Deep Throat!!

Daily Dump: 'Nuff said. Have a good day, and eat that bran muffin.

Word of the Week

2005-11-26T02:32:00.000-05:00

From the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary:
Main Entry: dung
Pronunciation: 'd&[ng]
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English; akin to Old Norse
dyngja manure pile
1 : the excrement of an animal : MANURE
2 : something repulsive
- dungy /'d&[ng]-E/ adjective

The Poopie List

2005-11-18T21:58:00.000-05:00

The Poopie List

Ghost Poopie
The kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie
The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't runie them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie
The kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more.

Turtle Poopie
The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finallly comes out

Pop-a-Vein-in-your-Forehead-Poopie
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie
The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the plunger.

Gas-sy Poopie
The kind where it's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling!

Drinker Poopie
The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Corn Poopie
(Self explanatory)

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poop Poopie
The kind where you want to Poopie, but all you do is it on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie
That's the kind when it hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get spashed with water.

Liquid Poopie
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots you of your butt and spashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie
The kind that smells so bad your nose burns.

Upper Class Poopie
The kind of Poopie that doesn't smell.

The Suprise Poopie
You are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you are about to fart, but, OOPS---a Poopie!

The Dangling Poopie
This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

A Turd

2005-11-11T22:14:00.000-05:00

men's room monologue

2005-11-08T01:14:00.000-05:00

Word of the Week

2005-11-07T02:21:00.000-05:00

From the Merriam-Webster Dictionary:
Main Entry: mic·tu·rate
Pronunciation: 'mik-ch&-"rAt, 'mik-t&-
Function: intransitive verb
Inflected Form(s): -rat·ed; -rat·ing
Etymology: Latin micturire to desire to urinate, from meiere to urinate; akin to Old English mīgan to urinate, Greek omeichein
: URINATE
- mic·tu·ri·tion /"mik-ch&-'ri-sh&n, "mik-t&-/ noun
Pronunciation Key

Special thanks to Osbasso for submitting the Word of the Week! If you've got an idea for a Word of the Week, email us!

Ode to a commode

2005-11-04T15:49:00.000-05:00

Neorest 6000, you are so beautiful I could almost cry

your porcelain perfection cannot be matched, your white light shines brighter than the brightest buttock

when I rest my posterior upon thee, it feels as though we were made to be together

I have spent hours enjoying your aquatic stream that offers front and rear warm water washing

my anus has never felt so clean, please, never leave me for after feeling your liquid carresses, tissue alone will not suffice

together we can travel the world, bringing anal and genital hygiene to the dirty, huddled masses

from atop thy hallowed perch I, the Commodore of Colonia, decree that it is each and every person's god given right to clean and healthy nether regions!

Be not afraid, my subjects, for the Neorest 6000 uses Hydrogen Dioxide most frugally, and should not have an adverse effect on the environment

Captain Crapper Catches up with the Tin Man

2005-11-02T21:19:00.000-05:00

The other day while I was on one of my trips (probably acid), I bumped into the Tin Woodsman. Most people just refer to him as the Tin Man. He happily volunteered to answer a few questions.

Daily Dump: Whose toilets in OZ posed the biggest challenge?

Tin Man: This is a toss up between the toilets at the Wicked Witch of the West’s castles and those in Munchkin land. So, we sneak into the witch’s castle. I was so nervous, I had to piss right there. So, I made a left turn into what I thought was the men’s room. Sure enough, I had made the wrong decision. Maybe I should have been the one asking the wizard for a brain. But right in there was the witch; she was taking a dump. Can you imagine the stench? It was so bad it made my eyes water. I thought I was going to rust right there.

Daily Dump: How about Munchkin land?

Tin Man: Dude, I am seven feet tall. The tallest of the munchkins, ya know that one that is in the Lollipop guild? He is about 2 and half feet tall. I have taken craps that are bigger than most of them. Have you seen the world’s smallest toilets? I have, they're in Munchkin land. When I saw Dorothy’s house land on that witch, I thought I was going to have a chance to “mark my territory” on a regular size commode. But I was stuck.

Daily Dump: Did you have any other problems?

Tin Man:You're damn right I did. Don’t call me a pussy or anything for this, but those damn flying monkeys…Those are the scariest things I have ever seen, heard, smelled, or even read about. I took one look at those, and I shat myself right there on the spot. You would too.

Daily Dump: Where was the best bathroom in OZ?

Tin Man: Definitely the Emerald City. The shitters were so clean you were almost proud to take a dump there. You weren’t even allowed to wipe yourself. They had these hot little servants come out and clean your hole. Boy do I miss that. There is nothing like it in the whole world. You would never feel cleaner.

Daily Dump: Tell me about the others in your group.

Tin Man: Man, you want to talk about needing courage. Go into the bathroom after the lion was in there. You would think that the only thing that he ate was burgers from Krystal or White Castle. The Scarecrow…You don’t need to be Barnaby Jones to see that this guy is a limp wrist queer. He has all kinds of perfumes and powders in his bathroom. I found some magazines in a cabinet in his bathroom…I was looking for some Q-tips. But you probably guessed it. The magazines had naughty pictures of farm animals.

Daily Dump: What about Dorothy?

Tin Man: I have nothing but great things to say about Dorothy. As far as I am concerned, she could fart and it would smell like roses. I made her laugh so hard one time that she piddled in her panties. We were off the see the wizard, but we had stopped by the In and Out Burger. The four of us were sitting there eating. I excused myself to go and “shake the dew off of my lily” if you know what I mean. I took the bag from our lunch and sneaked up behind the lion and popped the bag. He screamed like a little girl. We all laughed so hard.

Daily Dump: Thank you for your time.

Word of the Week

2005-10-29T02:09:00.000-05:00

From the Merriam-Webster Dictionary:
Main Entry: uri·nal·y·sis
Pronunciation: "yur-&-'na-l&-s&s
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -y·ses
Etymology: New Latin, irregular from urin- + analysis
: chemical analysis of urine
Pronunciation Key

Defecation Station

2005-10-19T21:59:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the first installment of Defecation Station! Each week, we'll choose a public restroom to review. This week we are spotlighting The Prince Deli and Sports Bar in Knoxville, Tennessee.

I visited The Prince on Friday night to see three great local bands. After a few Mike's Hard Lemonades, I decided to check out the facilities.

I immediately went to the last stall, which was handicap accessible - or should have been. On that particular night, the stall was inaccessible to all. Here's what I saw when I got there.

There were two other stalls, which were pretty much identical. Notice the discolored tile and the corrosion around the toilet.

I give a thumbs up to the wallpaper, and especially to the Thomas Kinkaide print hanging on the wall!

Let's take a closer look at that sign on the paper towel dispenser. Yay! The Prince is environment friendly!

I took one more photo for the road, and then I went back to the bar to party with my friends!

And speaking of friends, I conned one of the guys into getting a few pictures of the men's john! Yippee!

Not too bad so far!

I'll never understand the appeal of urinals.

Okay, I could have done without seeing this photo! It deducts major points from the men's john at The Prince.

And now, for the results of my visit to The Prince...

Using a Five Star Rating System...

Ladies restroom **

Men's restroom *

Daily Dumpers, we need your help! If you'd be willing to review a public restroom in your area, we'd be eternally grateful! Email us your reviews and photos, and we'll post them in an upcoming installment of Defecation Station!

Archeological Find of the Century

2005-10-14T01:59:00.000-05:00

By Jake Sharp
Daily Dump Staff Writer

KNOXVILLE - A Knoxville, Tennessee man recently made a startling discovery while repairing a faulty toilet. This man, identified as me, knew he had discovered something of great historical value. "Holy shit! I just found an old tooth brush!", I said as I retrieved the artifact from the trenches of my commode. The toilet had not been operating properly for several weeks, and it had gotten to the point where I felt it was no longer safe to operate. In an effort to repair the flushing mechanism before tragedy struck, I removed the lid from the tank portion of the unit. "I just looked inside and there it was," I told my neighbor.

The toothbrush, identified as a G.U.M. Velvet-Tip model 411 manufactured by Butler, was in remarkably good condition. The color was slightly faded, but all the writing on the handle was still legible. Perhaps the most amazing aspect of this discovery is that the bristles are laced with the plaque of our ancestors. "This plaque could help us learn more about how we have evolved over the years," evolution expert Ann Stone remarked. "We should attempt to link this artifact with a time period in American history." Acting on Ms. Stone’s suggestion, I contacted the University of Tennessee's Anthropology department. Thanks to modern science and the advances in carbon dating, they were able to give me a rough estimate of when this toothbrush was in use. Carbon dating placed the toothbrush in the psychedelic age. The approximate date given was 1964 A.D.

I was astonished by the age of the toothbrush. Who would’ve known that toothbrushes were in use during the psychedelic age? Overwhelmed with excitement, I felt it appropriate to contact the media and the National Historic Society. I spoke with a high-ranking secretary at CNN who informed me that "toothbrushes are not newsworthy." I then contacted an unidentified person at the National Historic Society who declined to comment and hung up the phone. Feeling a bit dejected, I called fellow Knoxvillian Chris Rogers and asked him what he thought about my amazing discovery. Mr. Rogers simply replied, “I don't give a damn!”

Despite others' lack of appreciation for this remarkable relic, I remained optimistic to the importance of this find. Feeling, however, that I had come to a dead end, I decided to search for more practical uses for this ancient toothbrush. Being that my dog ate my regular toothbrush two days ago and I was suffering from bad breath, I decided to test the brushing quality of the "Velvet-Tip". Surprisingly, it works quite well. It doesn’t provide the modern luxuries of flex-heads and control handles, but I do believe that this psychedelic brushing utensil will work just fine until I can make a trip to Wal-mart.

Word of the Week

2005-10-14T01:42:00.000-05:00

From the Merriam-Webster Dictionary:
Main Entry: fe·ces
Pronunciation: 'fe-(")sez
Function: noun plural
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin faec-, faex (singular) dregs
: bodily waste discharged through the anus : EXCREMENT
Pronunciation Key

Shit Story of The Week

2005-10-13T09:28:00.000-05:00

From the archives of the Daily Dump comes this classic shit story from February 2, 2005.

"Today is one of those days in which I hate my job. Working third shift at Walgreens I encounter a lot of shit. People trying to steal, people writing bad checks, bums flashing passing cars, crack heads, whores, green midgets and transvestites. Well last night I encountered shit.I was hungry and decided to purchase some Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pockets from our freezer. I spent my last three dollars on those hot pockets and a coke.I walked through the door leading to the back hallway. On the left side of the hall are the restrooms. On the right side is the breakroom. As soon as I walked through the door I smelled shit. I thought someone was taking an atomic dump in the bathroom, so I rushed to the breakroom hoping to escape the odor. I opened the door to the breakroom and the smell was a hundredfold. My eyes began to water and my stomach started turning. I looked down and saw a massive pile of shit in the floor beside the table. California mudslides had nothing on this shit!! It looked like a cement truck had dumped a load. I ran out of the breakroom and down the hallway gasping for air. I looked at the pack of Hot Pockets in my hand.......wasted money. I couldn't even think about using the microwave being that it was in the breakroom and surrounded by the huge mushroom cloud looming over the pile of shit. I knew that I had to clean the shit and that I couldn't eat my hot pockets and that I would like to kill the motherfucker that dumped in the floor. I wouldn't have just killed them I would make them eat their own shit! Then I could say "Eat shit and die" and make sure they did both.

I tried to focus and prepare myself for the battle. I put on a surgical mask, two layers of latex gloves, then a pair of rubber elbow length gloves. I went in to get a fresh look at the shit and evaluate my options. It was then that I noticed this person had wiped their ass on a picture of Johnny Carson ripped from the cover of People magazine. Thats just wrong. I think you go to hell for wiping your ass with pictures of dead people. So I embarked on my mission. I won't get into the graphic details of the torture I endured, but I will say that the snow shovel didn't work as well I had hoped. Too ruiny and too sticky. Not to mention the person had eaten way too much corn. Not just corn though, I saw peas, carrots, and leafy vegetables!! Almost looked like they'd eaten a chicken pot pie and a head of lettuce! After hours of cleaning I thought I was making progress. I started to return the chairs and table to the breakroom. I had moved them so that I had plenty of room to scrub the hell out of the entire room. As I'm setting the chairs back in the room I look down and see one single kernel of corn. WTF!! Every time I thought I was finished I'd find another damn kernel of corn!!!

I hate my job today. I am going to go take a shower and rinse my nose out with saline solution because everything smells like shit to me. That odor is burnt into my nostrils. After that I'll go find some food, perhaps some ramen noodles or something, because I never did get to eat my hot pockets and they are at work in the big freezer.To the person that shit in my floor: You go to hell!! You go to hell and you die!! I hope you never shit again. I hope you get so constipated that the shit comes out your mouth. I want you to taste that corn again, you fuckin asshole!!!!" ~ Submitted by Jake Sharp, Knoxville, Tennessee

*If you have an interesting shit story, we'd love to hear it! Email us, and we'll try to post your story in a future installment of Shit Story of the Week!

Tish & Jake Go To Krystal

2005-10-12T11:30:00.000-05:00

I'll never forget the first time Jake and I watched Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. What an awesome movie! It's all about two stoners and their quest for those scrumptious little burgers from W hite Castle! Nothing more. Nothing less. But let me tell you, I was inspired! Motivated. I jumped in the ChattieMobile, and since there are no White Castles in Tennessee, I headed in the direction of the nearest Krystal. Jake and I spent every last penny we had on those "fresh, hot, small, square" burgers, and we relished every moment of that meal.

We talked about the movie we had just seen, and an interesting conversation was sparked. Just how many Krystals can YOU eat? Jake insists that he can eat two sackfuls. That's 20 Krystals, folks! Perhaps I should have worded the question a little differently. Just how many Krystals can you SAFELY eat?

I have done extensive research on this topic. Many years ago, I spent some time working for Krystal. During that time, I partipated in many conversations about the bodily effects of a Krystal. If you are a Krystal virgin, beware. If you order a sackful on your first visit, your digestive system will suffer ill effects. The appropriate thing to do is to start with only a couple of Krystals and work your way up only when you are certain that digestion is still occurring properly. I recommend recording your Krystal meals in a journal. At the first sign of indigestion (commonly referred to as the "Krystal shits"), reduce your Krystal intake by one on the next visit.

There are many factors that must be taken into consideration when planning a visit to Krystal. Age, metabolism, activity level, overall health - these all contribute to the way your body will respond to a Krystal. Once again, your journal will come in handy when it comes to documenting your specific responses to a Krystal.Just what is it that creates the undesirable digestive problems associated with a Krystal? I have theorized that it's the mustard. Friends insist that it's the pickle. Maybe it's the soggy bun. Or perhaps it is a secret ingredient yet to be divulged to the public - maybe even the same one that contributes to the addictive nature of the Krystal. The world may never know.

Birth of the Daily Dump

2005-10-12T09:06:00.000-05:00

By Jake Sharp

Daily Dump Staff Writer

I was taking a dump one day, and everything was coming out just fine. I guess you could say it was a peaceful dump. But there was one problem. No, I had plenty of toilet paper (Charmin Ultra, to be exact), but something else was missing. I thought to myself, “This dump could be better.” I frantically searched for reading material. I read the back of my VO5 bottle - nothing interesting there. The Old Spice High Endurance label was pretty boring as well, but I did learn a thing or two about propylene glycol. My natural inclination to read while defecating was more than I could handle. I hopped from the bathroom to the living room, jeans around ankles, in search of good reading. I returned to my throne with a local newspaper, The Daily Times.

The Daily Times had nothing that appealed to me. Yeah, it is interesting to read about the renovations to the retirement home and the latest political scandals, but not while I’m taking a dump. I wanted something to read while I took a shit - something about shit. I finished my dump feeling unsatisfied. As I watched the kids go down the drain covered in blankets of Charmin, I wondered if anyone else had ever felt the way I did at that moment. I thought I might be alone in my feelings of frustration.

Shortly afterward, I saw my sister, the infamous Tish. She was standing on the interstate, right in the middle of traffic. Cars were crashing as they swerved to avoid her. A major traffic jam ensued. I jumped the median and led her back to the safety of her car, which had been left abandoned in the Taco Bell parking lot. Apparently the feelings of despair that I felt, were felt even stronger by Tish. As I talked to her in the Taco Bell parking lot, she revealed that she had long had a passion for shit stories, and there just weren't any socially acceptable ways for her to express her passion. She then pulled out her diary and showed me shit stories dating back to 1985.

The wheels in ours minds started to turn. The creative energy flowed like digestive enzymes through the large intestines. I thought about the dissatisfaction the Daily Times had brought me. On that day, we decided to devote our lives to the pursuit of good bathroom reading. What better to read than shit stories! If you’re constipated, read about someone else's conquest of constipation. You'll be motivated to push harder and be all that you can be! That day marked the start of “The Daily Dump”, and that night we celebrated the birth of a new era in bathroom etiquette - an era that will come to be known as the “Bowel Movement”. We smoked celebratory cigars, and then took our laptops to our respected facilities and went to work creating stories to share with people just like you. Behold the fruits of our labor!